Hawkeye: [to Dr. Sidney Freedman] You're sending a crazy man back to the place where he got crazy in the first place? Radar: Sir, I was just crossing the compound when... Frank Burns: I have no interest in the compound. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I mean during surgery. Hawkeye: [celebrating the successful transplant] We made someone who is part George and part Harold. Uh, I love your gloves, Klinger. Getting the hug I should have gotten. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In Honolulu, maybe, but not here. Not for the rest of my life! Hunnicut: A little inside information, Father? Col. Potter: Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Radar: Over there at eight o'clock. An architectural wonder, one of a kind... actually two of a kind. Who cares about that? Henry Blake: Oh, uh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner. Now stop me if this is getting too exciting for you. Capt. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here. You mean you can't even get together on one little word? Maj. Frank Burns: You can't do that! OOOH, MAN! Now let's see you go to Tahiti for the leprosy festival. Capt. Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep. Hawkeye: All right, we drink. You were biting me. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I knew you were gonna say that. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's have a major skirmish. Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world. The men can encourage each other. Here's another two dollars. Father Mulcahy: Do you think that's true? Margaret: We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many. Hunnicut: [Describing a would-be handyman, while Margaret, with severe prickly heat, is rubbing her behind against the edge of a table] ...With a skin tight T-shirt with the sleeves cut off, better looking than Errol Flynn. Col. Sherman T. Potter: Why are you dressed like an Italian usher? 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there? This might mean a Nobel Prize. I have to work with them! Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [Reading his mother's lips in the home movie] "I love you, Walter.". You boys always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. [Frank snorts in disgust] I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash-and-carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun. Captain B.J. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Frank] Flithy liver thief! They're sending someone from the Judge Advocate to question you. Talking about what we're going to do when the wars over. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: One more thing... permission to say, 'serves you right, sir!'. Lt./Capt. The wave of the future. You ever heard of a snafu? Cpl. Only the wounded are new. It's like, August 10th. Col. Potter: You too young to die, Pierce? This is not it. Radar: Well, cows are people too, ya know. Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You made it bearable. Maj. Margaret Houlihan: You holding up okay? We were quite a group, the five of us. For your perusal, here are the birth dates of all players in NBA history. Major Margaret Houlihan: GET THEM, FRANK! Divorce? Just then, Deucey and her little dog, Tres, started singing "Four Diamonds are a girl's best friend." May she be a damn sight better than the old one, and may we all be home before she's over. Hawkeye: An angora sweater... with a zipper down the back. Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, I see. We save her from death, they save us from lunch. If you want, you can buy a new card on an open four. Everybody join hands and say, 'Howdy!' Hawkeye: [Spurned by yet another nurse] Don't you know you should never end a proposition with a sentence? Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Give it back. Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I can use a drink. All right, all right. Liver! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! Radar: [Radar is sunning himself. Potter: It was a long time ago, 1917 to be exact, and I've put on a dozen or so pounds since then. Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Get the window, Klinger. Col. Potter: I think you are. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We wrote it. The man was born with a spare tank. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] We're having a party/ A Halloween party/ It might be amusing/ To watch a ghost boozing/ And see if it can/ can, can. Lt. Capt. : You know, Father, the first time I've met you, I thought there's this nice decent guy, kind of sweet and gentle, you know? Father Mulcahy: I wonder if his discharge from the hospital was a bit premature. Capt. Read that first one, Radar. Looks a little like your oldest daughter, doesn't she, Frank? Colonel Henry Blake: You betcha. Hawkeye: Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll trigger another argument. Capt. Oh, this is terrific. Cpl. Three Chinese Girls Trample And Force a Guy to Worship their Feet Plowing anal With This homosexual couple Linda Lay and Gabby Vega cum swapping at the party Sex . Lt. Capt. [looks at the POW who has fallen asleep]. B.J. Unacceptable procedure. Hawkeye: [as they see a soldier who was reported dead turn up alive] I thought you said he was dead. Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Charles appears to drink from a bottle of hair tonic] Charles, stop! Why didn't I ever cry for them? [Blake zips it; Klinger spins back around and snaps to attention]. Henry Blake: Now, just hold your horses. [Trapper turns to him] That's not what we're about. Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Gracias, Padre. Hawkeye: The Final Reward, please. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego? I've been lost before and this is exactly what it looks like. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are those the right instructions, Henry? Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir? Army Capt. I don't deserve to be in the Army. Army Capt. I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else. Halloran: One bullet. Henry Blake: [Klinger is standing at attention in a tacky Carmen Miranda outfit] Klinger, that outfit might just get you that Section 8. I HATED HIM! Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up. Hum a few bars, won't you, Radar? [pause] My dog has fleas. Cpl. Suddenly, a sniper leaped out at me, and fired two shots! Welcome to skid row. [pours Kwang some whiskey]. Hawkeye: For the simple purpose of practicing better and more efficient medicine. Capt. What am I supposed to do with it, eat it or smoke it? Father Mulcahy: Klinger, I thought you were an atheist. Father Mulcahy: I now pronounce you husband and wife. Hawkeye: Radar, prepare finger, ready to dial. We're a hospital! You stay the hell away from him! [Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet] [Quietly] So far, so good. If I... [to Potter] You didn't hear that, sir. Charles is trying to find out what it was like] I really don't understand what you want. It was for getting the skivvies scared off of you. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Colonel Sherman T. Potter: This wagon's going off the wagon. Sergeant Luther Rizzo: What do you mean, "gonna be"? Father Francis Mulcahy: Ego te absolvo in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanct... [pause] Oh, my... [he sees a tear trickle down the soldier's face, realizes he's alive] HAWKEYE! Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Your lips tell me No-No, but there's Please, Please in my eyes. : [asked what memories he'll take with him, of Korea] I'll always remember the good times. Wherever they come from they'll never run out. You stay just the way you are. Can you imagine what it feels like to walk by this tent and hear you laughing and know... that I'm not welcome? But army regulations forbid any doctor to assist you from undressing into disrobement. Height: 6 foot 4. Hawkeye: [Holds up dukes] Oh yeah? B.J. What I need is some tranquility. Of course, not doing parish work, I'll miss hearing confession, but after listening to you people for so long, I think I've just about heard it all. [Potter has gathered the senior staff in his tent]. Sweeney: Hello, boys, how are you feeling? Colonel Henry Blake: Go ahead and joke. Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can't you ever be serious? Capt. Klinger: [after Henry has been trapped in the latrine that's been shelled] Colonel... if you can hear me, knock three times! Private Walter: I'm never gonna forgive you for this! Trap? It was October 11 and we were in Korea. [Hot Lips slams tent door in Burns' face]. Maj. Frank Burns: Where'd you get liver? I guess I forgot that when you took over for Radar. How do you expect me to make it through to the end of the month? I really miss him. I'm from Joliet. B.J. Hawkeye: [prepares to draw blood from Frank's arm] Frank, go like this. What good is a deaf priest? Hawkeye: Oh, you want a *constructive* criticism. I used up all my bullets. Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The test is for Major Houlihan. Ramurti Lal: [in agreement] The great guru Ramdas could not have said it better, Max. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything. Capt. Hunnicut: Too much dry grass and not enough water, she's got colic! Do you mind? B.J. You miss my mother. Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [proudly] That's our four-place latrine, sir. I've seen you strike out in a geisha house. This is Benjamin Franklin Berle livening up your dead of night. Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What is it, Frank? I've run into her a few times. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Say something nice about his gloves. Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, you must be very proud, sir. [turns soldier over. Hawkeye Pierce. Trapper: You think maybe we finally went too far? Col. Potter: Well, it didn't fool them, they know that tank's here someplace. Whereupon the entire family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Wait for it. [giggles]. Property of Corporal O'Reilly returned. Cpl. Hawkeye: Duplicate Hawkeyes will be awarded. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [opening his mail package] Hey look, a polaroid! Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock. Hawkeye: [beginning the transplant] Harold, meet George, George, this is Harold. Doctor, I'm part Chinese and part Hawaiian. ", Hawkeye: "I was latrine officer, son. Col. Potter: What difference does that make? : I'd get title to this land, Major. Hawkeye: [referring to Col. Flagg who just jumped through a window] The Wind just broke its leg. [Turns] Klinger, I will need another pair of trousers. Capt. Major Margaret Houlihan: How *dare* you stand there and act like your brand of suffering is worse than anybody else's. Gen. Crandell Clayton: You had a mission here, Captain. Frank Burns: Oh sure, blame it all on O'Reilly. "Who's there?" Major Franklin Marion Burns: [about the paralyzed kid] It's disgraceful, a US solder crawling on the ground. Capt. Do you think a college guy is better than me? Hawkeye: [writing to his father] Dear Dad, I am doing better now. Capt. Trapper: [In letter] At first I thought it was the war, and this stinking place that made me... well... love him, I guess. Radar: Second prize to Corporal Timothy McInerney for his clipper, the Evangeline, carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago. Oh. Col. Potter: Burns, don't start going on about going off. Lt. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: I sent it for him. You're drinking your hair! I just couldn't sleep. Maj. Winchester: [explaining his approach to surgery] I do one thing at a time, I do it very well, and then I move on. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Is that a good place to stay? Hawkeye: Good evening. [deals the next cards]. Major Charles Winchester: Just a minute, just a minute. Trapper: That sweater's not stuffed with chopped liver. Frank Burns: [guarding a wounded POW] One wrong move and it's curtains. [notices that that driver is wounded] Oh, my! Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: If he lets everyone feel them, all that'll be left is a package of lint. Hawkeye: Just think of all the rats who are homeless now. Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Yes? They ferment it in the ground. Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off. I'm laughing just thinking about it. The White Sox, the Cubs, Carl Sandberg. Day after day! Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [reading a set of instructions] And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head. Think of the germs. Capt. Major Charles Winchester: Help keep us warm. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Frank is sneaking from behind the showers] Leave your duck in the shower, Frank? Major Franklin Marion Burns: Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Pierce. Capt. After all, you paid good money for him. Came from some lawyers. Capt. Chefs ain't got tattoos. Radar: [an angry B.J. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ever checked in somewhere without a toothbrush. Frank Burns: Oh sure, always. Army Capt. That would be interesting, wouldn't it? My buddies and I laid low in an old French chateau. No, to be fair I have no doubt that he remembers it that way. What do you see? Charles: Or a will. Last night, B.J. Hawkeye: Draftees of the world, arise! Hunnicut: [hands over a fishing lure, for the time capsule] Here. and it was BJ's idea that you go bareback in the OR too. B.J. You have to scrub up from head to toe in your clothes. [pause] It's me. That's entertainment! Maxwell Q. Klinger: Of course! I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Hawkeye: [probing Franks abdomen] How's that feel? Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: In the first place, I do not sweat; I perspire. Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis. Lotsa work. Hunnicut: [to a snotty Army rep] It's a good thing we're doctors, because I'm about to break every bone in your body. Hunnicut: [Father Mulcahy is trying to diplomatically turn down Hawkeye's and BJ's invitation to eat with them] Father, is it because we smell bad? Sergeant Rhoden: Hard sell, huh? Col. Potter: [singing in the shower] I like to go swimmin' with bow-legged women and swim between their legs... swim between their legs... swim between their legs... Hawkeye: [about to operate on a patient] All right, folks, time to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud. [laughs like crazy]. Colonel Flagg: Now I'm blowing the whistle on you, Freedman. Captain B.J. How about that? Why Linkifier: Radar went home. I didn't report him. Hunnicut: They shoot at doctors? You see, it was after he returned to the garden that he discovered that three of his apostles were missing. Go ahead. He's wearing a fur coat. You're not standing up for her as a woman, you're really jealous of her, aren't you? You're not sterile! B.J. B.J. Maj. Winchester: Well, goodbye, Father. Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope]. : We've been thinking about it, and there's a little something we'd like to give you. Igor Straminsky: See these fresh oranges? She said she had an unhappy love affair. Charles: [to a patient in cardiac arrest] Live! Trapper: [Hawkeye is trying to talk Trapper into entering a boxing match. Radar: Well, uh, sometimes I can tell what's gonna happen before it happens. The heat, sir. Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever go to sleep? Col. Potter: [their bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere] At least if it was a horse, we could shoot it. Lt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: But a good surgeon. Hawkeye: How *dare* you! "Trapper John" McIntyre: What costumes? Frank Burns: Oh swell. Father Francis Mulcahy: [Trapper is serving him a martini] Not too much - I'm praying later. Maj. Sidney Freedman: Major, I've never seen you in your summer uniform. In. Col. Sherman T. Potter: A to Z, very methodical.
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